so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
