maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
