Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
