Little spoons don't ask big questions
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
