she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
