Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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