Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
