I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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