im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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