One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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