My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
