today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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