I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
