I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
