now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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