Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
