So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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