I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
