Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
