I didn't shave. On purpose
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
