now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
