My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
