apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
