wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
