I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
