I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
