He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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