her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
