You smell like a Billy Joel song
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
