I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
