just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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