i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
