I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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