Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
worst night to have a conscience
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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