I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
