i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
