You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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