I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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