eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
