Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
