I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
