I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
