apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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