and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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