I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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