can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
