I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
