Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
