If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
