i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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